28 M, 29 F, am I overreacting or is this a genuine red flag?

[Pradeep]

Hi everyone, I'm in an arranged marriage setup and have been talking to a girl for about five months. We really like each other and our families are getting involved, so things are getting serious. The problem is a major trust issue related to one specific male friend from her past. She had feelings for him earlier but he didn't want marriage, so they remained close friends. In the beginning of our relationship, I told her I feel uncomfortable if a partner stays emotionally close to someone they were attracted to in the past. She agreed at that time. Later I found out she had still been meeting him privately and hiding it from me, but she only met him once to tell him that she's getting married and can't be friends anymore. She had also been talking to him frequently, celebrating birthdays together, but it was in the first week of our meeting and at that time we were not sure about marriage. According to her, he's just a friend and she's ready to cut all cords with him if I'm getting insecure. But strangely, he gifted her a 6-7k sling bag and at some point even deleted chats and minimized how close they actually were. The most difficult part for me was that even after we had a big fight about him, she met him again once and only admitted things after I discovered them. Now she says she has blocked him everywhere, admitted all her mistakes, and wants to move forward. She says she hid things because she was afraid of my reaction and didn't want to lose me. She also told her parents about this and is trying hard to save the relationship. I don't think she is cheating now, but I am struggling to trust her because of repeated dishonesty and because she gets very emotional and defensive during conflicts. We have been stuck discussing the same issue for the last couple of weeks and it is mentally exhausting. Since this is an arranged marriage context and families are expecting a decision soon, I'm really confused. Should I give this more time and try to rebuild trust, pause marriage plans for now, or consider walking away because repeated lying so early in the relationship could be a serious red flag? I would really appreciate hearing from people who have faced similar situations.

[Shivendra]

This is a pre-marriage situation, and you are already worked up. I don't wish to suggest anything negative, but I would ask you what you would do if this happened again and it's after marriage?

[Payal]

Even after you repeatedly set boundaries, this person still did this. That shows her loyalty, at least right now, is more towards her own feelings than towards the relationship. Her priority is what she feels in the moment. On top of that, she let things continue under your radar when you were not fully aware of it. If you think about this in the context of a long-term life together, it points to a lack of responsibility, accountability, and integrity. So this isn't you overthinking, it's your nervous system not feeling comfortable around her. It's stressed. It's in reaction mode, unable to figure out why. To me, that suggests she still needs time before being truly ready for marriage. It may be better to give her that time to grow and become more mature. Meanwhile, if you come across someone who is clearly more mature and better aligned, it makes sense to consider that seriously. And if this person eventually reaches that maturity, then you can decide accordingly. Bottom line: should you commit to this person? I guess you have that clarity.

[Aryan]

I think it's a big risk to marry her.

[Nakul]

Brother, here you never mentioned that she and her male friend have wrong motives or a relationship. So I think it's basically a friendship which you are overthinking about. You have to confirm that if they had been in a relationship in the past. If they had been in a relationship and then became "just close friends", then it might be a red flag. On the other hand, if the situation is just like "girl confessed her crush or interest to him and he rejected", then it's a whole different situation. I don't think there is anything wrong in their friendship as long as she is not spending too much time or money on him or their friendship. For example, you told she gifted 7k rupees stuff. How often is it? Is it once a year, then it should be fine. In this case, I feel you are just insecure. But one thing I can't understand is if it's just friendship, then why should she block him just for you, who is a potential prospect but not confirmed yet. I am sure she is gonna go back to him if you tell no. This means is it not just friendship. Are they being physical? This is confusing, but analyze the situation and decide accordingly. Good luck brother.

[Kartik]

You are overthinking. There shouldn't generally be an issue if someone has a friend of the opposite gender. But, if you're saying she herself is admitting that it's a "mistake" and will stop talking to him but is not able to then I think you should move on. This issue seems to be exhausting the both of you. There are plenty of fish out there. All the best

[Aarti]

This is a red flag. In five months, she was supposed to cut ties but didn't. If she's genuinely serious, then have a clear talk about ending the friendship.