28F - Parents surprise-visit, forced arranged-marriage talks; Mom had a breakdown

[Anusha]

My parents showed up unannounced after I kept telling them I wouldn't go home to meet a guy for an arranged marriage because I'm already in a relationship. Even though they knew this, they had already promised the other family and came to drag me back with them.

The argument started last night and kept going into today. Mom spent the whole night awake, crying, while Dad kept nodding off now and then because none of us got any sleep. Whenever he asked her to rest or calm down, she started cursing him too.

Today it blew up beyond anything I can handle. Mom completely lost it. She kept screaming that I ruined her life and reputation, said she would die here, refused to let me leave, threatened to stop eating, and kept switching between crying, screaming, begging and cursing within minutes.

She broke all her bangles, took off her mangalsutra, started hitting herself with a chappal, held my feet while crying, and even bit my foot while begging me not to go against them. One moment she seemed about to collapse from tears, the next she was aggressively blocking my way out. The whole atmosphere felt chaotic and terrifying.

Eventually Dad left to go back home because they had commitments with the other family, leaving me alone to deal with all this and Mom's breakdown after more than a day without proper sleep.

[Sohan]

Doesn't even sound like a normal "family disagreement" anymore; this is emotionally explosive and terrifying to be stuck alone after no sleep for that long. The biggest issue is that your mother's fear for her reputation has taken over – breaking bangles, removing the mangalsutra, threatening starvation, physically stopping you from leaving – none of these are healthy. Also, your father abandoning you to handle this is messed up. From what you described, it feels like a classic "family won't accept the relationship" scenario, especially given how extreme the reaction became.

[Rupali]

My mother keeps screaming and banging her head all over the place.

[Ansh]

Just tell her you need some time and that you'll go back to your hometown later. Then change your address and stop sharing it with your parents. So much drama for an arranged marriage.

If your boyfriend is willing, consider a court marriage. If you want family involved, keep communication on calls. Tell them you'll stay unmarried forever if you can't be with your boyfriend (assuming you both want to stay together). Most parents eventually accept after a few years because they don't want to see their adult daughter single.

[Imtiaz]

This is way beyond "normal parental pressure"; it's emotional blackmail and manipulation. Breaking bangles, threatening to die, physically stopping you, even biting your foot are unacceptable reactions to an adult daughter saying no to an arranged marriage. Don't blame yourself or feel guilty for giving in. If you surrender because of this pressure, you're teaching them that these breakdowns work.

[Rajat]

I can imagine everything your mother did. Seriously, this is not normal behaviour. Good that you stood your ground.

[Imtiaz]

Wow, is this normal for your mother? Your father's non-chalant attitude makes it seem like he thinks this is okay.

Call him and tell him that if he doesn't come back right away to handle her, you'll involve the police. And stay away from them until you're safe.

[Ira]

Just don't give in to this family drama. Her maniac nature will only get worse, but the choice is yours.

[Aarohi]

It's strange how Indian parents use death threats - "if you don't do as I say, I'll die/kill myself/my heart will give up". I grew up with similar threats and you can find many examples in other posts. OP, I hope things calm down soon. This is scary. Even if you eventually marry your partner, this toxic, manipulative behaviour from your mother probably won't disappear. You might need to keep some distance from the family later.

[Asha]

Op, my mother does the same - literally the same! She hits herself, curses, creates endless drama, breaks bangles, throws utensils, cloth hangers, a Milton water bottle, even my phone at my sister and me. I know how you feel. Stay strong, don't give up! If you're working, try to get out as soon as possible. Text a friend to come over or take you out. Think of any way to escape. Maybe meet the guy's family once and tell them you're not interested in marrying.

[Shivam]

Call 100 and complain to the police - parents need real help. She's driven by ego and will do anything. What kind of father is that, dude?