Why does it always happen with our own people?

[Riya]

I'm living abroad and met a desi guy on a dating app – let's call him A. When he asked what I was looking for, I told him I only wanted friends for now. He said he'll return to India after his term, and since I plan to settle here, I said we should just hang out as friends and he agreed.

Yesterday we attended an international event together. After it, I was supposed to meet a friend from another country, B, who's interested in India. B asked A to join us, and because it wasn't a date, I was fine with it. We ate, I got quite drunk, and they helped me to the game centre, our next spot. At the game centre I felt better, so I asked A to let me stand on my own. He kept grabbing my waist and hand tightly, it even hurt. He let go for a bit, then held on again.

We said goodbye to B, who offered to drop me home. I said I could go alone, but he insisted it was on the way. When we reached my apartment gate, he asked to charge his phone. He had mentioned his dead battery several times that night, so I invited him in – I never let any man into my house, but we'd become good friends and I trusted him.

I made tea, offered snacks and a sutta. He sat on my bed while I worked on the floor. He didn't leave after 30 minutes, staying dangerously close on the floor. I pretended to throw the trash out so we could go, but he said let's do it later. He kept telling me I should rest instead of doing office work.

Then he asked directly if I wanted to make out. I froze. I'd told him a few times I'm a virgin (I'm 25, he's 23) and I have no desire to be intimate with anyone I'm not in a relationship with. He started gaslighting, saying he wasn't asking for sex, just a make‑out.

I ended up apologising and even made up a childhood molestation story to justify my disinterest, because he kept saying this was abnormal and would affect my future relationships.

In the end I said if we dated I could consider it, but he didn't respond, clearly only after something casual.

I'm so pissed this morning; his kindness felt fake and he was trying to get into my bed from the start. I've lived here for 3+ years and this is the first time I've faced something like this, and it's frustrating it was a desi guy who did it.

[Shankar]

His kindness was just a front; he only wanted to make out. Rule: never let anyone into your house, even if they dropped you home. It could've gone much worse, thank god it didn't.

[Suresh]

He was just an opportunist, always waiting for a chance!

[Dhruv]

He was playing the long game, and not in a good way. That's why I can't trust men, even if they seem like good friends. I'll always stay cautious.

[Lakshmi]

I always say to girls, never mention that you're a virgin. No need to tell a man; once they know, they get all excited and want to try it. We all know why.

[Saritha]

Stay safe, yaar.

[Deepak]

Hey OP, how many times have you gone out with this desi guy? I know you see him as a good friend and want to be hospitable, but please don't invite him inside. It's just not worth the risk. You'd be better off paying him for the ride than letting him stay over.

I hate to sound harsh, but many Indian men have a bad reputation. Even those who've left the country often still think "she's a woman, I can do what I want." Our nation has been independent for 75+ years, yet the mindset feels stuck in the 1800s.

Take care, glad you're safe.

[Uday]

Be careful what guys claim as "taking care of you" when you're drunk. It's disgusting. And then they say "just make out, not sex" – that's repulsive. I'm also abroad and would never trust an Indian man, no matter the shared culture or homesickness. They can be more predatory than anyone.

[joshi]

What were you thinking, man? My dad has warned me many times to stay away from fellow Indians, both abroad and back home.