Do Indian marriages require women to kill their old selves? My ambitious cousin is completely gone.

[Pillai]

I'm struggling to process what I just witnessed with my cousin.    

i saw my cousin sister get married just 1 year back.    

she was a tomboy kinda girl, used to post heavily on social media, even small things like we both went to eat ice cream, she clicked a photo and put up a story, she had ambitions to become a director, also went to mumbai, got AD roles in big projects.  

now she got married , dreams killed, now she has almost stopped posting on social media ,    

i went to her as the first time visit to her in laws(it's a ritual just few days after marriage), there she was like this, "aap idhar baith jao, papa ji kuch lenge" in the most girl voice possible, maybe its normal, but it broke my heart that she has to change her entire personality suddenly in one day,

she is not her, now she is doing household chores, after a few months she called and said that she made chole sabji and everybody liked it, she was very happy, but again i was like, this is not her

 

yaar, i don't know why but i just get emotional when i think about this, maybe she is happy and enjoying, but i just can't accept this 180 degree flip

how can a girl go from "i want that the film ends and it says "A Film by "her name" to "aaj maine sabji banai, bohot achi bani"

this broke me so much.  

never talked about this with anyone, I just wanted to tell this to somebody so wrote it here.

Seeing this made me promise myself one thing, my marriage will be a partnership not an erasure.     whatever personality or ambitions she walks in with, her life should expand after marriage, not disappear

[Isha]

Sadly, that happens with a lot of women. It happened to me too.

[Hema]

one of my biggest fear

[Saad]

This happens to almost every woman who enters into any relationship with a man.

That and then losing myself to motherhood only to hear my partner say 'isnt being a mother your true purpose?' is my biggest fear. Makes me vomit. My 5'1 ass aint birthing a human.

[Sumit]

Sally Seton all over.

[Sachin]

Ambitious people should be intentional about choosing a partner whose values and lifestyle align with their goals not just someone who tolerates their drive, but someone who actively supports it. An unsupportive home environment creates constant friction that drains the energy ambition needs to thrive.

On social media and post-marriage life: The shift after marriage isn't about losing yourself it's about reallocating. Your identity stays intact, but your time and attention now serve a wider set of responsibilities. What looks like "not posting as much" or "cooking elaborate meals" is simply a reflection of where your energy is genuinely needed. That's not a loss of personality; it's a sign of maturity and commitment.

[Bhavana]

Story of every indian woman's life.

[Vasant]

this post made me remember a book convenience store women. Yes it happens to most women, reality of being born in india I guess. If you can just try to rekindle her passion by mentioning her stuffs it might work but will consequently affect her marriage but no other way.

[Riya]

I think it is also partially a survival skill. I think your friend knew very well that she would have to leave her old self behind to fit into this new role of wife and daughter in law. So the energy and passion she put into her old life, she's putting into her new.


I really hope she enjoys her life now and that in ten, twenty years, she doesn't look back with regret.

[Rishi]

Yes.

It's surprising when people don't see it or are shocked by this

After knowing and seeing how indian marriages are (and often elsewhere), where women are basically objects for labour and breeding, what else do we expect?

There's few cases where the partner cares about your dreams and life and goals and desires (fortunately, I'm one of the lucky few) but it's super rare. Majority of the cases, a woman's light is not just dimmed, it's snuffed out. Little by little, everything that makes her who she is would be gone until she's a mere husk serving at the pleasure of husband and family and society.

The lucky few who divorce and find themselves again do exist but in India it's fairly rare

[Himani]

I got broken due to marriage too. My entire personality changed because my original bubbly self was not acceptable to my husband or my mil. And yes I smiled too but that smile was the gentle formal smile that an ideal bahu should smile to make others happy. I didn't laugh anymore. I didn't have my own friends anymore. I behaved like a friend in the friend circle of my husband without getting emotionally close to them. And my dressing also changed because what I would wear from clothes to bindi to jewellery was micro managed by my mil. I was not my own person anymore. Yes it was erasure.