28M: Would paying for sex/massage be a deal‑breaker for dating/marriage?

[Rakesh]

I'm a single 28-year-old guy, never been in a relationship and I'm pretty awkward and introverted. My desi family puts a lot of pressure on me, the usual stuff. While traveling in Southeast Asia I ended up doing things I'm now really ashamed of.

I lost my virginity in Thailand through a paid service. I had sex once in a massage parlour in Vietnam. For over a year I used to go to different massage places in Bangalore about twice a month for handjobs or body-to-body rubs – no penetration or bj, but still paid services.

Everything was with consenting adults, as far as I could tell. I was single the whole time, not cheating on anyone. I never looked for under‑age or violent stuff. Now that I'm back in India the guilt is eating me up – cultural shame, family values, wondering if I'm "damaged goods" or a bad person.

Could this come back to bite me if it gets out? More importantly, women, how would you feel if a guy you were considering for dating, marriage or an arranged match admitted this? Is it a forever deal‑breaker? Does it make me seem like I objectify women, or just lonely and pathetic? Should I be totally honest in arranged‑marriage setups, or hide it and move on? Has anyone dealt with similar regrets from guys you know?

I know what I did is shameful and I've stopped. I also want to know if there's any redemption for me. I did ask each masseuse or stripper if they were under 20 or trafficked; they said no. Still, I feel ick and disgusting and it doesn't make anything right, but maybe someone can tell me how I can help any victims of abuse from my side.

I am truly sorry – for reducing anyone to a transaction, for any unseen burden or discomfort caused, and to every woman (affected or not) who feels disgust, anger or disappointment because of choices like mine. You deserve respect and full humanity, not this.

TL;DR: Took handjobs for a year in India, had sex once in Thailand and once in Vietnam at massage parlours. Filled with regret now – how will this affect my chances of marriage? What can I do to redeem myself?

[Krishna]

From what I've seen, many girls consider that a deal-breaker.

[Shanta]

I once read that there's no going back after using paid services. Just bury it and move on.

[Aditya]

If a guy told me he did all this, I'd think he's a loser. I also believe it's better to be honest about it before marriage. Imagine finding out details about your partner's sex life that they hid – it would hurt, right? If I discovered my husband had done this, it would completely change how I view him. I'd lose respect and see him as pathetic. A good marriage is built on trust, love and mutual respect. If one of those pillars is knocked down, the marriage falls apart.

[Devansh]

Using paid services is a deal-breaker for many people, and rightfully so. Personally, I've never been into that, although I have friends who are. Intimacy just doesn't work for me that way. What I've noticed is that people who use paid services often treat it casually, rarely show remorse, and I've hardly seen anyone truly move past it. To answer your question, it's not normal, but a lot of people do it. It's a deal-breaker for most women, though men are often good at hiding it.

[Vijay]

Is it a deal-breaker for you if your future girl slept with or gave handjobs in exchange for gifts or money?

[Pillai]

Look, no matter how much anyone tries to console you, it will be a deal-breaker for most women – probably 90-99 %. Would you be happy if your partner told you she'd been with a lot of male escorts?

[Douglas]

There are already many good replies, so I'll just repeat what's been said. Visiting a sex worker in any capacity would be a deal-breaker for me in a relationship, as I'm sure it would be for anyone I know. You say you haven't met anyone because you're shy, but we're often our own harshest critics and hide behind labels that stop us from stepping out. I'd recommend always being honest and not hiding your past – deal with the truth however hard or uncomfortable it may be.

[Imtiaz]

Whatever you did goes against my values, so if a guy I was talking to told me this upfront, I'd appreciate the honesty and respect for letting me know early instead of hiding it. Honesty and accountability matter a lot to me. But I wouldn't continue with that match. I'd prefer someone whose past aligns with mine, someone who shares my values. Someone with a similar past wouldn't see it as a problem, so I don't think you'll have trouble finding a partner. You seem like a good person from your post, so don't shame yourself for what your past self did. You're as worthy and respectable as anyone, regardless of your past.

[Farhan]

I don't know about others, but for me it's the biggest deal-breaker. Once you get used to such services, there's a high chance you'll keep doing it even after marriage.

[Simran]

Many men do what you did and never talk about it. Some women are totally fine with it. They'd say prostitution has always been part of human history, and since you paid for it instead of starting a relationship just for sex, so what? But to find those women you need to be in the right social circles where people are aware and open about human sexuality.