Devastated after arranged‑marriage phase ended

[Lavanya]

Note‑ TLDR

I'm a 25‑year‑old female living in Texas. I moved here after my master's for work and my parents have been showing me profiles for about a year. Nothing clicked until December 2025 when they showed me a 31‑year‑old man. He's an investment banker in NYC, good looking and exactly the kind of guy I was hoping for since I also work in finance. My parents gave us a two‑month window to decide – till 28 Feb.

⸻

January – first month of talking

We swapped numbers early January and started chatting. He was respectful, took the lead and made me feel comfortable. We matched on most non‑negotiables. The only snag was his schedule – he works 100+ hrs a week, so we talked 1‑2 times on weekdays and more on weekends. I was fine with that and looked forward to his calls.

Within the first week he wanted to meet at least twice before talking to our parents. He booked tickets to Texas for 31 Jan, just after two weeks of chatting.

Around that time:

• I told him I don't eat green veg. He called it a "big ick" and linked it to future parenting – that shocked me.
• We discussed visas – I'm on an F1, he's on an H1B without I‑140 yet.
• He wants an ambitious partner who won't take unnecessary career breaks. When I said I might move to London if my H1B didn't get picked, he didn't like it. Same when I suggested a temporary move to India. He then suggested I take a break and we start a family – I wasn't sure about that early on.

The conversation went on for four days and felt heavy, so I said let's stop discussing it. He thought I shut him down, while I felt we'd already decided.

The next day I jokingly asked if he still wanted to come meet me. He took it seriously and felt I put him in a tough spot. We cleared it up before the visit and were both excited.

⸻

31 Jan – 1 Feb (his visit)

He landed around midnight and came to my place at 1 am. I had cooked everything from scratch – tomato soup, paneer dumplings, chicken dumplings and chicken puff pastry – it took me 4‑5 hrs.

I was a bit disappointed he didn't bring flowers or any souvenir, but I let it go. We talked till 5 am and everything felt great.

Next day:

• Snow ruined my original plans.
• We went out for lunch and dinner only.
• During lunch he said he really liked me and saw things working out.
• He paid for everything (I offered to split, but he refused).
• After dinner he suggested dessert, I said no because I didn't want him to spend more.
• I had planned to bake him a birthday cake (his birthday 4 Feb) but couldn't because he stayed over and I didn't want him helping.

We chatted late into the night again. He was decent but the vibe stayed platonic – we didn't even hold hands, which made me a little sad. He left the next morning and I texted him saying I couldn't wait to see him again.

⸻

After he left

I asked when I could visit him in NYC. He kept delaying, saying:

• We need to have "difficult conversations" first.
• His work schedule is tight.
• If I come, he wants to spend proper time.

Our chats were still good but not very flirty – more like friends.

⸻

4 Feb – his birthday

I called him at midnight to wish him. We had a nice chat. I didn't text him the rest of the day because I didn't want to disturb him or make his birthday feel like a "random girl" if things didn't work out. I thought he'd reach out.

He called the next day and said he expected a morning wish, thought I forgot him and even thought things wouldn't work. That shocked me – I was just being respectful.

That night he said:

• He likes me as a person, I make him feel comfortable and he loves talking to me.
• There's physical attraction and he likes how I look and present myself.
• He sees things working.

I felt relieved.

⸻

6 Feb – 15 Feb

Things were going well. He made effort despite his hectic schedule. But I held back emotionally:

• I really liked him (told friends I'd move cities for him).
• I didn't express it to him.
• I didn't want to get attached or vulnerable too soon.

⸻

My birthday (8 Feb)

He called me at midnight and we talked for two hours. He also sent me gifts, which surprised me. Later he said he was disappointed I didn't get him anything for his birthday, so I told him I had bought gifts and would give them when I visit NYC.

Around this time my parents started asking for a decision. I told them I liked him a lot but he seemed unsure because he kept delaying the NYC trip. They grew concerned and asked me to start shortlisting other guys and to contact our mediator (who set us up).

I felt bad and told him I didn't want to talk to anyone else, but my parents were pushing. I didn't want him to hear from the mediator that my parents were looking elsewhere, but he misunderstood and thought I was giving him a "heads‑up".

I also told him I was upset about the NYC delay and was willing to come anytime if he confirmed dates. He casually said I could book tickets for 1 Mar. I took it as a confirmation, booked tickets without telling him (wanted it to be a surprise and didn't want them cancelled again). I felt guilty and told him.

He reacted negatively: "You just booked tickets without confirming?" I offered to cancel within 24 hrs. He later gave two options:

1. Have the difficult conversation in person before the trip so it doesn't get awkward.
2. Cancel the tickets.

Since he didn't seem fully willing, I cancelled my tickets. It hurt a lot.

⸻

23 Feb – 26 Feb: Difficult conversation

We discussed several topics, including my non‑negotiables, and we were still aligned. Then we talked about what I expect from a partner – I said I'd like someone more romantic. I didn't mean grand Bollywood gestures, just feeling loved and not ending up in a loveless marriage. I wanted some butterflies and thoughtfulness.

He seemed confused. He said he could be supportive – take care of me when I'm sick, listen to me endlessly, be reliable – but wasn't sure he could be "romantic" every day. He also mentioned he prefers arranged marriage because it should be low effort and he doesn't think he can put in too much effort.

I clarified I'm not low‑maintenance, but I don't want a loveless marriage. He replied it wouldn't be loveless and he does love me, but he can't promise constant butterflies. I understood, but I think he perceived I wanted a dramatic Bollywood‑style romance, which wasn't true.

I then brought up a proposal. I said I'd like a meaningful moment to remember. He said it felt too soon, would seem fake, and would involve too much effort – buying a ring, planning, etc. He even said he could arrange something for my friends, but wasn't sure about doing it himself. I was surprised and didn't respond much.

⸻

24 Feb: He ends things

On 26 Feb he called and said he didn't want to continue. His reasons:

1. He felt there was an expectation mismatch – he thought I wanted a very romantic partner, which he didn't see himself being.
2. He felt I didn't show enough interest in his life and interests, so he wasn't sure I loved him enough (like I didn't bake a cake for him when he visited or send him gifts).
3. He believed I wouldn't be willing to change or meet him halfway. He gave the green‑veg example – I joked I'd eat them if he cooked, he took it literally and thought I wouldn't change.
4. He said I made him anxious. Early on he liked me a lot but got anxious about losing me or being rejected. After talking to a friend he started believing that anxiety in the "honeymoon phase" would continue long‑term. With his work stress, he didn't want extra emotional stress.

I was confused. I had told friends how much I liked him, but I hadn't expressed it fully to him because I didn't want to get attached too soon.

An hour later I called, opened up completely, showed him screenshots of what I'd told my friends, explained how much I liked him and that I'd been planning a future – moving to New York, building a life, even preparing a Valentine's card and a canvas painting surprise for our NYC trip.

On 26 Feb I told him it's a "yes" from my side. He asked why I hadn't shared all this earlier, highlighting our communication gap, and asked for time until Sunday to decide.

On Sunday, because the mediator and my parents were exploring another match, the situation escalated. The mediator called his mom, she called him, and he thought I'd told my parents about the breakup. His mother advised him not to keep me waiting if he wasn't sure. He then asked me for one more week.

During that week I was extremely anxious, kept initiating chats, sending messages, trying to prove how much I cared.

Eventually he said he liked me but it had become too much. He didn't feel the same anymore and couldn't get the "vibe" back. It was devastating – I couldn't understand how his feelings changed so quickly after saying things would work out.

Even after I asked for more time, he said it felt awkward, like talking to a stranger, and we should end it. The next day he clearly said he didn't feel the same and wanted a clean break, maybe reaching out after a few months if he missed me.

I'm heartbroken and confused. I genuinely liked him, put in effort, was ready to move cities, yet he didn't see my interest and needed everything to be explicitly verbal. He kept saying "right person at the wrong time", which makes it harder to process.

I don't understand:

• How can someone go from being sure to feeling nothing?
• What does "right person, wrong time" even mean?

I couldn't be vulnerable and open because we had no labels and I didn't know where things were heading despite both of us confessing we liked each other. Why is this so hard to understand?

This was the first guy I talked to and there were sparks everywhere. He was soft, warm and extremely decent. I've been in relationships before and could move on, but this one hurts a lot.

I've been crying for almost a month and I'm losing it. Do you think he'll come back and make things work? Why was it so difficult? He clearly liked me, so why is he still saying no?

[Divya]

Sounds like a compatibility and communication gap. He isn't very experienced with girls because he's been studying all his life and now super busy with work. You should've ordered a nice cake if you couldn't bake one; he spent his whole birthday with you. Holding hands – maybe he was nervous, given the family‑arranged setup, didn't want to seem creepy. If you're marrying a traditional 30‑plus guy, they'll want kids sooner rather than later. Big life decisions are better taken now than delayed. He does come across a bit robotic, so maybe let him go.

[Dilip]

Move on. Take some time and find the right partner