My first time posting here.
So I recently got a proposal through arranged marriage. Our careers match well, and there's just a one-year age difference. I haven't really been in the arranged marriage scene for long.
About me — I come from a very comfortable background. Like, we are actually very well-off, even ultra-rich I would say. Not generational wealth or anything, my dad has worked really hard to build everything we have. Because of that, we've always been very simple and grounded people. I've never had any ego or attitude because of money — that's just not how I was raised. Even my friends and colleagues would say the same.
Now about the guy — I've met him and spoken to him, and I genuinely liked him. Things seem good so far — careers match, age gap is minimal, and personality-wise also it feels nice.
The only concern is the financial difference between our families.
My family isn't worried about it at all, but his family is quite concerned. They feel I might not be able to adjust because I come from a much more comfortable background. I do understand their concern, it's valid.
And just to clarify — it's not like he comes from a poor background at all. It's just that if you compare both families, it's not the same level.
But personally, I don't feel it will be an issue. As long as both of us are earning, I can take care of myself, and he can take care of himself. I don't think money will be a problem like that.
Still, since they are stressing a lot about this, it's making me think.
For people who have been in similar situations or have seen such marriages — does this actually become a problem later on? Or is it manageable?
Would really like to hear your experiences. I'll reply in the comments.
More than money , you should check for educational and social background. Money is also a big factor that I will not look lightly.
My friend married a guy from a different background and found it hard to adjust with the way her MIL wanted to handle things. MIL was dead set against hiring a maid and insisted on them doing the household chores and she also forced many religious practices on her. She could never releate or adjust with her MIL because her MIL was neither educated nor practically updated.
If you are rich why live with in laws. He is also employed so get your own place.
Take some time to peek into his lifestyle. Check if yours matches with his. Hiring helps, eating out, travel and vacations, socializing, spiritual pursuits, home decor, intellectual and leisure activities, right down to choice of schools for future kids.
Don't let this pass. The more congruent your lifestyle is, the better is the chance of you fitting together.
Baaki, you can make a relationship work if both of you have the intent and empathy. And ... a lot depends if both of you stay by yourselves without your in-laws.
Wish you the best!
What they mean by "adjust" could also mean your tolerance for meeting their expectations. Maybe they feel like since you're from a well-off family you won't feel the need to please them too much. Or that you will expect more equitable and fair treatment from your husband and will be able to influence him more than a wife from a family that is of equal or lower financial standing to them.
It depends on whether your fiance to be is okay with this and can handle a wife who truly doesn't need his money to be comfortable in life.
How big is the financial difference between the two?
Part of the difference also matters because it depends on how you spend your money, do you share the same beliefs when it comes to saving and expenditure? Similarly how his family spends money, is there a common household fund or just 1 person contributes to it? Would you be expected to contribute and how much?
All of these seem like small questions but all valid when it comes to a marriage
I am a child of parents who weren't on the same level monetarily.
My mother was more educated , cultured and from a more comfortable background.
My father was an engineer but he was struggling at the time and dosent come from as cultured or comfortable background.
Honestly, they had the worst time. My mother was very accommodating nd gave everything to the family. But my dad unfortunately never appreciated how much she supported him. When he earned a lot a set up a successful business he gave all the money to his brothers and sisters and their families.
He treated my mother badly. His ego was always hurt by the fact that my mom came from a comfortable background than him so he tried to equalize..
This was an AM set up.
I wouldn't want anyone to go through this. From both perspective as a spouse or a child.
Please choose an equal especially if you feel that the other party may have ego issues.
I have read your comments and personally, being a romantic kinda girl myself, I do feel that your responses sound kinda rose tinted. There is nothing wrong with that, as I have said I'm a girl similar to you are, but it's important to acknowledge it.
Money comes after love, sure, loving your family, his parents, him all is well and good, and are very important, but I think it will be very important for you to understand that what those monetary differences mean.
So my suggestion to you would be that situation down with your guy, and talk to him about what lifestyle you are looking at and what he is looking at.
I can give you some pointers.
1. Who does the household chores? Do they have help already ? Are they expecting the wife to do anything? This thing looks different in every family. What you want to look at is how much the other women are expected to do at their house, because some people want certain things to be done by their DIL only, I knew of a working woman like you who was told that she just have to cook, but that included cooking 4 different types of breakfasts for everyone before going to work, lunch prep and the full dinner single handedly. Also ask your husband if at any time you feel like you are unable to take up any such responsibility would they be okay with you hiring someone to do that work? Some people have very strong beliefs against hiring someone to cook- do not believe them if they say that they will manage themselves if you don't feel like doing it.
2. If you both earn similar, ask your guy about what his future monetary plans are, does he have some major responsibilities which he would prioritize over you and kids. There is nothing wrong in having such responsibilities, infact I encourage my fiancee to spend like a king on his family, but it's something that you both should be on the same page too. Another thing is asking him about what he thinks about your spending on your family, what I have seen in my middle class side of the family is that many such families are not really happy about the bahu spending money on their family. So it has always been important to me that me and my husband has that kinda openness about our money and where we want to spend it.
3. Another thing is general expenditure, so for example the biggest difference I have seen between a normal middle class and upper middle class is how they spend money, so for example it's very normal for me to go with two of my friends and spend like 5-10k on a lunch, without thinking much about it, but I have many relatives with whom a 5-10k lunch is not unaffordable, but a big event. It doesn't mean I go out everyday and spend like a banshee, but it just means I have the openness to do it, so you look at your life and see what luxuries are normal for you, and if they would continue to be so after your wedding.
4. Look at their house, their lifestyle too, like where I love what you are saying is a difference between having your personal room after wedding vs having your room on entirely different floor with en suite bathroom etc, so see how much privacy you will have and if that's enough for you.
The most important thing I can tell you is, don't assume anything, even if you feel like " I'll adjust on this" or " it's obvious they won't expect this from me" still, ask once, it's important that you know what's happening.
People have this thing called inferiority complex which creates insecurities. As soon as you get married, he will start comparing himself to your father and the men in your family and will indirectly punish you and taunt you for where you came from.
Run fast.
I married a poor man.
If they are saying it will be an issue, it will very well be an issue.
What is the boy's perspective on it? Is he as vociferous as you in claiming the issue to be redundant or are you the only one pulling the weight??
Please take people at face value. If they say it will be an issue, it most definitely will be an issue.