I got married to my husband 14 years back in a love marriage. Before that we dated for 4 years. I was 18 when we started dating and didn't know much about relationships or marriage, so I never really thought about what a marriage should be like.
We eloped because my family was against it and after the wedding I faced some abuse from my mother‑in‑law. Things changed a bit when we moved abroad, but new challenges came in my relationship. We fought a lot but never separated. We fought over money (he wanted full control of my income), in‑laws, and chores (even after all these years I do the lion's share at home; whenever I ask for help I get attitude).
After a few years things improved and he does have some good qualities. A few years back we had a child.
We still argue, and a few weeks ago he snapped at me in public. That broke something inside me and now I keep replaying every unfair situation in our marriage. I feel like ending it but I don't know what to do. I also think about our child who loves both of us equally.
I'm having panic attacks thinking about all this.
Doing the math, you married at a young age of 22, practically still kids. In your current situation you're giving him rights by staying silent.
If he snaps at you in public, speak back. Don't take disrespect. He has no right over your income, so fight for what's yours.
Don't let your self‑esteem suffer because of the child.
I assume you are still working and earning your own income. Keep it separate and start planning your exit.
Your child will thank you later for divorcing his father when he grows up and sees you happy in a safe, thriving environment. Kids can sense the disturbance and unhappiness around them already, so don't stay together just for his sake. Often that backfires.
Divorce your husband. Build your own life your way. A man who doesn't respect you doesn't deserve a wife or a child.
If he doesn't respect you, he can't love you. Protect your self‑respect at any cost. That will haunt you later if you don't stand up for yourself. Give him his back.
The child is still young. The younger the transition, the better for kids. Don't make choices where the child witnesses abuse and normalises it.
Which country are you in now? There are communities that support women; you can reach out to them for help to separate and settle on your own.
Do you work? Have a steady income? Friends or family who can support you?
It's painful to go through all this, but I hope better days are ahead for you.
I wouldn't advise you to stay; he has been mentally abusing you and chipping away at you for 14 years.
You should seek counselling and get both of you to acknowledge the breakdown in your marriage, the bad behaviour, and the fact you've been taken advantage of.
Once you feel you've done all you can for yourself, work out your finances: what you might get from him, how much you can afford for accommodation and bills, and who will look after the child. Plan it out.
When you leave you will be okay; it will be hard but it can be done.
Your marriage ends when you decide it should end. If you think it's over, start saving up and look for a good lawyer.
On 16 May at 2:41 am, after six months of courtship and six months of marriage, I realised how big a liar he is. But it's okay, I'm not emotionally attached to him, so my exit will be smooth over time. Take care, girl.
You should just get out of it.
Hi OP,
I may not have 14 years of experience, but I can tell you this: staying with him despite disrespect and abuse is a choice, just like the choice you made to marry him and to elope.
It isn't rooted in you like a mother's love for her child. It's a love that exists because you chose it. It needs reasons to be the best choice and it needs nurturing to stay.
It's up to you to decide if you can digest the lack of respect. Prioritise yourself. For the sake of the child who learns from your married life, make a wise decision. You don't have to bear the side effects of choosing a man with a fragile ego. You are no less than him in any aspect. I salute you for enduring this for over a decade! The patience and effort it took is beyond words.
Please be strong and don't fall for sentimentalities. Separate yourself from this situation and view it from a third‑person perspective. If your best friend were in the same spot, would you let her stay?
Stay strong and keep your strength close. I hope you find peace soon.