I'm a 29‑year‑old male, introvert, 7/10, in an arranged marriage setup. She's a 28‑year‑old female, extrovert. We had one family meeting before the engagement and a solo meeting only yesterday after we got engaged. Now I'm re‑evaluating so I can make a conscious decision instead of a rushed one.
Background:
- Both working in IT, earning about 1 L per month.
- One family meeting before the "engagement", then a solo meeting yesterday. It felt about 10% better than the family meeting, but still not much emotional bond yet.
How it happened:
- The first family meeting was uncomfortable for me because of the crowd. I didn't get any vibe then.
- After that meeting I said yes because I didn't see any red flags, but I wanted time to think.
- My parents kept asking "shall we go for it?" for the next three days. I had just joined a new job, so I was under pressure and didn't have much time to process.
- I ended up saying okay and leaving it to God. We're now engaged. Yes, engaged after just one meet and two days of chatting. It was also my first arranged‑marriage meet‑up, so I have no experience on what to consider.
Her positives:
- Good character, good values, treats people well.
- Good family, respectful toward my family and vice‑versa.
- Well‑earning – she makes ~1 L/month like I do.
- Stable job and career‑oriented.
- We're aligned on major points: nuclear family setup, kids after one year, both want to continue careers, joint account for expenses plus support to parents when needed.
My doubts / negatives:
- Physical attraction is around 30% right now. I'm not fully attracted to her physically. I always imagined my future partner with long hair and a slim/medium build. She's the opposite – short hair, on the heavier side, and a small dental gap in her front teeth.
- Emotional bond isn't there yet due to limited time together.
My reflection:
The lack of physical attraction is the only thing pulling me down. I'm not unhappy with her; I just want to be sure I'm making a conscious choice, not a rushed one because of family pressure and timing. I wish I had done this before getting engaged.
Looking for perspectives: In arranged marriage, is 30% attraction enough to move forward and let it grow? Or should I take it more seriously before proceeding?
I went through the same thing; it's been a few months now and I'm happy.
Speak up. It's your life and her life. If things are moving too fast, tell your parents. In the future, will you let pressure decide big life choices? You can't just say "ho gaya". The lack of spine among men in arranged marriages is frustrating. Wanting time is fine, but saying yes just to shut people up for such an important decision is cowardly and immature.
If you truly aren't physically attracted to her, it's better to call it off now, even though it's harder because you're already engaged.
I went through the same process. We said yes after one meet, but the courtship period was the turning point. We had about four months and used it well. Now I'm happily married.
You're heading for trouble.
Try to spend the next two to three months getting to know each other better. If you both click, physical attraction will become a secondary concern. You can gently suggest she work on fitness if she wants.
In short, talk to her and agree to meet for the next six months before deciding. Don't rush it. Rushing could hurt both families. While physical attraction isn't a big issue now, if you don't match on other things it will become an excuse during arguments.
My friend was in the same spot – he wasn't really attracted to her. He married her because she was working, but later people labelled him as impotent. The real reason was his lack of attraction, and they eventually divorced. All his medical reports were normal.
I sometimes face the same dilemma. I get interest from many girls and families – they're decent, good families, share culture and values, and they follow up with my family about the process. But I just don't feel any vibe or attraction towards them. I wonder if I'm expecting too much from an arranged marriage. The people I find attractive, or even average, often ghost me or don't follow up, so I've started to feel that arranged marriage is all compromise.
As someone who faced a similar situation and later regretted walking away, here's my view.
I once had a prospect whose values matched mine perfectly, but I wasn't attracted to him and didn't feel any butterflies. Looking back, I wish I hadn't said no.
The things you both align on are rare – they form the core pillars of a successful marriage.
It's easy to think, "What if I find someone prettier?" The truth is that even the prettiest partner can lose attraction over time, while compatibility in values, family, finances and goals stays strong.
Physical attraction can grow as emotional intimacy builds; it isn't instant for everyone.
She sounds like a genuine catch. A good person with aligned values is hard to find, and I've seen marriages last because of that foundation.
My suggestion: don't overthink it. Take the chance.
We often think we have endless options, but do we really? Things like weight, fitness or a dental gap can be worked on if she wants, but they aren't the foundation of a happy marriage – character is.
This girl seems like a solid partner. Go ahead with her and don't look back.
Develop some backbone and talk to her. If you can't, end it now and save both families.