I'm not sure if it's okay to vent about my sex life with my wife, but I need to know if what I'm feeling is normal. I lived abroad for over ten years, had girlfriends, then came back to India and married my long‑time girlfriend. In our 20s‑early 30s she used to shave down there (I find hair there smelly) and I loved it. We were like rabbits in the early years. Now, in our late 30s, she stopped shaving and she also smells. She seems lazy about personal hygiene, while I keep myself shaved and very clean.
I'm losing interest in having sex because she doesn't put in the effort I find attractive. I stay fit and clean, and she still finds me attractive, but she doesn't keep herself clean or try to match my effort.
Is this normal?
1. Am I reasonable to expect her to stay clean‑shaven and not smell?
2. Is it common for married women to become bland, lazy, or boring in bed?
3. Are my expectations unreasonable or am I missing something?
Please be candid. I've told her many times to put in effort; she says okay but never follows through. She also has mental health issues, which is another story, but I don't think that's the main reason for the lack of effort. We have kids, so I feel stuck in the marriage.
It could be one of two things – she might be dealing with a physical issue (like hormonal changes) or a mental one (like depression). Or she may simply have lost interest and become lazy as you say.
First, have an honest conversation with her. If you've already done that and nothing changes, consider professional help. If she refuses any kind of intervention, you'll have to face the reality that you have two options: either put up with her as she is, or look for someone who is willing to put in effort for their partner.
Whether it's common or normal shouldn't dictate your choices – do what makes you happy.
1. Have you communicated this clearly to your wife? If not, do it – it solves most issues.
2. You're not unreasonable; you have basic hygiene expectations that she might not be aware of.
3. Try to understand why she's losing interest.
4. It's not normal for sex to become boring after marriage, but there could be something affecting her too.
5. If nothing works, see a couple therapist or an expert.
What does a typical day look like for her? Is she overworked? Who handles the kids and household chores?
It's common for women to lose interest if they're exhausted.
Also, I get that you prefer no pubic hair, but after many years of marriage you might need to be okay with it – it's not unclean. If it really bothers you, you could offer to trim it for her.
1. No, your expectations are valid.
2. Laziness might stem from exhaustion, but hygiene matters. Maybe she doesn't have time to groom? Do you share household duties or is she running around all the time?
3. Could she be stressed or depressed? Do you talk openly about your relationship and life?
Make her a cup of chai, sit together on the couch, and have a long, gentle conversation. Ask if something's troubling her, then slowly bring up the hygiene issue. Be kind – this is a sensitive topic for anyone.
Speak with her and communicate.
Many couples hit a dull phase after a few years. It can take 2‑3 years to get out of it, and you'll need to try new things. There isn't much you can do except keep experimenting.
Book her a free day at a spa or salon each month. She seems overworked and may not have time to groom. A relaxing spa session might help her feel better about herself, and she may want to keep up with it afterwards. Just a suggestion.
This is a common marriage issue. After a few years each partner's needs change, and women go through hormonal shifts too.
I suggest seeing a marriage counsellor soon, as you're putting effort into the sex life while she doesn't find it worthwhile. Anything you say might be taken negatively, so a professional can help navigate it.
You glossed over her mental health issues and the fact that you have kids. I hear a lot of "me, me, I" in your post.
Women tend to be emotionally attracted before they're physically attracted, so you need to reassess things on your end too, bro.
Maybe share some responsibilities with her, take a few things off her plate so looking after herself doesn't feel like another chore.
Wish you luck – hope it gets sorted soon.
It's good that you recognise she might be overworked and tired. Many guys get defensive, but if the chores, childcare, and mental load fall mostly on her, she'll be too exhausted for sex.
Start by sharing an equal share of those responsibilities, maybe even hire help if needed, so she has mental space to feel good and interested in intimacy. Foreplay begins long before the act – helping her relax and acknowledging her effort in running the house sets the mood and strengthens your bond.