So I've been seeing this guy casually and a recent incident is bugging me. He stayed over one night, everything was fine, but when he was leaving he asked me for a bj. I said no because the day before he had refused to go down on me. He got upset and left without a proper goodbye. Later he admitted he was wrong and said he wanted to keep seeing me. I told him clearly that I'd only go down on him if he was willing to do the same for me, otherwise I'd rather end things. He agreed.
The next time we met, we were making out and after a while he asked for a bj again. I reminded him of our talk. He didn't get angry, but he seemed disinterested and said he wasn't really enjoying things and would enjoy it more if I gave him a bj or if we had sex. I didn't want the vibe to feel off, so I gave in.
After that he became suddenly very happy, playful, and affectionate again.
This has happened in different ways before too – he's said things that hurt me, like pointing out my appearance flaws, and sometimes he acts distant if I don't do what he wants sexually.
I'm confused because I know this is casual, but I can't tell if this is just how casual setups work or if I'm being used. I also feel like I'm letting my own boundaries slip because I like the attention he gives me when things are 'good.'
Am I overthinking this, or does this sound one‑sided? Should I just accept it for what it is if I choose to stay, or is this a sign I should walk away?
He's manipulating you, but I want to know how and where to find such relationships.
Everything should be mutual in a relationship, right? Felt like that's your standard for getting down.
It's fine if it's casual but when he's the only one getting any fun out of this, he's definitely using you. You made it clear you'd only do foreplay if he also does it for you, but then you gave in anyway. I'd suggest next time (with other men), you stand by your words and don't give in. Also, is your self‑esteem low? Why are you still with him after he made comments about your appearance and won't even give you pleasure in return? Leave.
Casual or not, things should be mutual. This does sound like you are being used.
Someone's future wife.
What fun do you folks get from such casual flings? Isn't it better to find someone genuine?
Using "uninterest" or distance to pressure you into a sexual act you already said no to is a form of manipulation. His mood only improving once he gets what he wants is a major sign that your boundaries are being treated as obstacles rather than limits.
It sounds like you're doing the hard work of setting boundaries, but his "mood shifts" are making you feel responsible for his happiness at the expense of your own. Since he only shows affection when he gets exactly what he wants, do you feel this connection adds value to your life, or is it mostly just draining your energy?
Well this is clearly not working out for you, end this. He is using you.
Girl, run away from this bastard.