I'm 32 (M) and, like most Indian families, my parents are on my case to get me married to anyone they can find.
Last year they introduced me to "X". My rule is simple: the two people should talk first. If it works, families get involved. If not, we part ways without the drama and nuisance parents bring.
But nobody listens.
X's parents came over to my house first. They weren't there to meet me; they wanted to check how much property we own, because that's what seems to matter in arranged marriages. Once they realised we're a maal daar family, they finally thought I was worthy and gave me their daughter's number.
We started chatting and things seemed fine. X eventually insisted on meeting. I agreed, but I didn't tell my parents. I'm a private person and I'm not that "open" with them about my dating life, especially when it's still in the "trial" phase.
During the meet, X asked me straight away if my parents knew I was there. I told her the truth – I hadn't informed them yet.
The meeting went fine, or so I thought.
The next day, X's mother called my mom and said their daughter doesn't want to continue. When my mom asked why, her mother said I'm not a loyal person. She said, "A man who can't be loyal to his parents can't be loyal to anyone."
That call created a full‑blown drama at my house. My parents were furious and it turned into a huge mess.
I have three simple questions:
1. If she had such a massive issue, why didn't she tell me to my face during the meeting?
2. Why go through the whole "mummy‑to‑mummy" reporting and create a scene?
3. Why is the loyalty of a 32‑year‑old man being measured by whether he asks permission to grab a coffee?
I really don't get why we only meet such extreme "sample pieces" in the arranged marriage setup. Has anyone else dealt with such samples?
We're going through tough times, bro. Getting rejected for the most trivial reasons.
Women set rules for men they don't like and break them for men they do like. Often a guy gets rejected over some tiny thing and wonders why. The truth is, the girl never liked him, so she creates a pretext. That small excuse becomes the reason for rejection. It happens a lot, and girls are usually very good at it.
When a girl likes you, she finds reasons to qualify you, no matter how many red flags. When she doesn't, she finds reasons to disqualify you, no matter how many green flags.
You seem to have a bias about the whole process. You mentioned X's family came over just to check if you're a maal daar family and that parents shouldn't get involved first. Because of that you chose not to tell your parents about the meeting. That decision messed everything up – if they had known your "maal daar" status, they probably wouldn't have said no for those reasons.
Just say 'mkc' and move on, don't overthink it.
In most cases, if she likes you – looks, vibe and all – the other little things get ignored.
You missed the chance to learn her real objections because you gave her a perfectly valid reason to reject you first. The issue wasn't just loyalty; it was also lack of transparency.
If something starts through the parents, either follow that format properly or be clear from the start that you want to handle it differently. Changing the rules midway, without letting the other person know, naturally creates discomfort and mistrust.
That's the bigger problem. You still wanted to meet her, but you weren't transparent about the terms of the meeting. It comes across as misleading.
Your personal philosophy is fine, but you need to be upfront about it from the beginning. If it doesn't match the kind of girl or family you're dealing with, don't proceed. Simple.
She likely saw dishonesty, inconsistency, and rule‑changing when it suited you. Once trust is disturbed early, rejection becomes obvious. So yes, she may have said "loyalty", but that was probably just a polite cover. The deeper reason was your lack of clarity and transparency.
You're right to feel the way you do, but for women it looks like a breach of trust and shows you're not serious about the whole process. The reason is simple – they meet a lot of men who aren't serious. You didn't have to tell your parents if you hadn't met before, but since your families have already met, it makes things "official" and you have to follow that channel. It also shows how strong your relationship with your parents is.
Women want to feel safe all the time, but they can be very manipulative – it's not really their fault, just human evolution. No one will tell you this, and it can take a few years to figure out. Good luck.
What kind of dumpster fire are you all dealing with in the AM? At some point you have to realize this isn't the best way to go about it.
Exactly, OP! People these days have no spine! I keep facing the opposite problem – men I talk to are so fragile and take zero initiative. They don't plan anything or have a decent conversation. When the effort isn't reciprocated, I lose interest and it all dies out. Parents need to understand that being straightforward and honest is a must! If things don't align, part ways amicably. Whether it's the girl's side or the guy's side, nobody should waste the other's time, imo!
For a moment I felt like I was reading my own story...