I (26 F) have been in a relationship since I was 19. My partner is the same age and is caring and respectful most of the time. We were each other's firsts and decided to become physical almost 2 years into the relationship, when we were around 21 – our first time. We used protection and it started consensually but in the middle I asked him to stop because it hurt. Instead of stopping, he thrust in with force and it hurt me badly, like being poked with something sharp. I bled right after and was sore. At that time I didn't know if I was naive or what, I didn't think much about it.
Fast forward to Jan this year, we decided to do it again but I was strictly against penetration. I told him he could do everything else but not penetration. He wore protection and even though I said No, he kept pleading "please, please, please" to try penetrating. I kept saying No but he kept pleading and eventually I kind of agreed half‑heartedly.
After all this I felt disgusted with myself for giving in and realised that what happened the first time was basically rape. It took me about 4 years to understand that and I feel ashamed. I don't know how to process this. Please help.
This really sucks, I'm so sorry OP. And yes, it was rape. The second time was also rape because it was coercive. You need to dump this piece of shit ASAP. I'm really sorry this happened to you.
Listen carefully. He violated you. You are NOT at fault. He coerced you. He raped you. Don't feel ashamed. If you have any proof, report him. At the very least, leave him. He will try to manipulate you, so stay firm. I repeat, it's NOT your fault. He should be ashamed, not you. Many people call marital rape propaganda, but it's not always violent. Often it looks like this. Victims blame themselves because they eventually gave in.
Can I be brutally honest? How is he "caring and respectful" when he thrust in with force after you asked him to stop, and kept pleading when you said No? Anyone who can't respect another person's choice, autonomy and decisions is a huge red flag! RUN, girl. I'm sorry you're in this situation. Please respect yourself, your morals, principles and body and get away right now.
I don't think anyone with a functioning brain will think you're wrong here. I wish I could help you not feel ashamed. Almost every woman I know has been forced or coerced into such things, even women much older than you. It's not your fault; it's how society has conditioned us. That's why feminism fights to stop this cycle. You're a survivor and I hope you find something that helps you cope. I'm so sorry this garbage made you feel dirty! Remember, sex isn't dirty. If you want it, you should have it. If you don't, no one can tell you otherwise. Please tell me you've left that trash of a human! He's only pretending to be nice. I know this may hurt, but I hope you take it in stride and walk away. If you ever need someone to talk to, you can always ping me ❤️
I have been dating my boyfriend for 10 years and not once has he ever gone without my consent. Behind closed doors, I'm the one who initiates, but he never does anything without my consent.
Girl, I'm sorry it happened to you, but you don't need to feel ashamed. Talk to him about how you feel and tell him that what he did was NOT right. Have an adult conversation. If he jokes about it, you know what to do. If he listens and understands, decide what you want to do next.
I'm disgusted just reading this. Some guys just don't get the word consent. I've been through something like this once, and it's not always just a "heat of the moment" thing.
No, he is not being caring and respectful. It happened to me too. I kept saying No and he did it anyway, thinking that's how it's supposed to be. He violated you. What you do with this information is up to you.
OP, please leave him. You clearly said No. A man who can't stop at his woman's discomfort is driven by his own pathetic lust. He knows how to push your boundaries and knows you'll give in. That's not the kind of person you want. If you feel disgusted, you need to leave him and never look back. Trust your gut, please.
OP, I am truly sorry this happened to you. You are not at fault. He clearly violated and coerced you both times. Be kind to yourself and don't feel disgusted. You didn't do anything wrong. Speaking from similar experience, I urge you to leave this guy as soon as possible. It will never get better, and don't fall for the sweet talk of "I will change" or "I didn't know". He will just gas‑light you and won't understand that ignoring your No was wrong. Run for your life – you'll be better off without him. I know it feels lonely and scary now, so feel free to ping me if you want to talk. Take care, rooting for you!
As someone who's been in a similar situation, this is a huge red flag and I can't stress that enough. You should never have to beg someone to stop.