10-year relationship ended over living arrangements and family interference before marriage. Was I being unreasonable to expect some clarity on this?
I'm a 31-year-old woman and my 10-year relationship recently ended very suddenly. I'm feeling really emotionally exhausted and I'm trying to figure out if my concerns were unreasonable. We were planning to get married soon, but things started getting complicated when our families began discussing wedding rituals and arrangements. His parents and relatives started getting involved in decisions about the ceremony, and some of the discussions became tense. At the same time, we were trying to decide our living arrangements after marriage. My fiancé works away from home and usually comes back on weekends. His parents live about 25–30 km from my workplace. If I lived with them, I would have to travel about 50 km daily, changing three buses one way, while also managing housework. When I raised concerns about how difficult this would be, he said it would only be for about 3 months, and after that he would try to shift his parents closer to my workplace or find a house nearer to my office so the commute would be easier. My concern was what if shifting closer doesn't happen, how long would I realistically have to travel like that, and would I have support if managing both work and house responsibilities became too exhausting. I wasn't refusing to adjust, I just wanted clarity and reassurance before committing to something that could affect my daily life so heavily. However, when I kept asking these questions, he felt I was assuming the worst about his parents and accusing them unfairly. The conversations kept escalating and eventually he said it's better we end the relationship. This has been extremely painful because I stood by him for 10 years, including times when he didn't have a stable job. I believed things would eventually work out. Now both families are upset, my parents are asking me to move on, and I feel completely lost. I genuinely thought we would marry and build a life together. Women who have gone through marriage or long relationships, was it unreasonable for me to ask for clarity about the living situation, is it normal to adjust first and hope things settle later, and how do you emotionally move forward after such a long relationship at 31?
Those questions were absolutely reasonable. I don't understand how a man of that age gets so defensive on something that wasn't even directed as an attack but genuine concern. Makes me wonder what would have happened if you would have needed support in future after marriage. You would have been so lonely in that marriage with no support. I'm sorry that happened to you but he was just not mature enough in my opinion.
Your concerns were natural, both of you were under a lot of pressure, my question is, why after 3 months, why not shift right away and then get married, I am sorry you're facing this, give time to yourself to heal.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. To answer your questions, it is completely reasonable to want clarity about your living situation. Any good loving partner would answer your questions and help resolve the issues. Him instantly becoming defensive is a red flag and tells me he doesn't intend to protect you from the hardship of living with his parents. In our culture, women are expected to adjust to what everyone else wants. A lot of us do it in hopes things will get better and it never does. They just chip away at us till nothing is left. It's fine to compromise on some things but don't give in when it comes to big things like where you live. Also, you are a working woman, do not accept doing all or majority of the housework. In your next relationship, make it clear you expect equal contributions to housework or hire help. There is no one way to move on. Just take it one day at a time and slowly the pain will dissipate and it will become a memory. Definitely don't date for at least a year. You need time to heal from this. Focus on your health and career. Go out with friends, travel, spend more time on hobbies. Good luck!
You were not unreasonable at all, asking for clarity about where you would live and how you would realistically manage a 50 km commute plus household responsibilities is a practical concern, not negativity. After 10 years together, it's normal to want concrete plans rather than vague we'll figure it out later, especially when the adjustment falls mostly on you. In many marriages, people do adjust initially, but healthy relationships allow space for honest questions without turning them into accusations. The painful truth is that the breakup likely reflects deeper differences in expectations and support, not just this one issue. At 31, it may feel devastating, but it's also a point where many people rebuild and find relationships that align better with their needs and boundaries.
Two words, good riddance
I think you dodged a bullet.
I think maybe when you're dating in future, add as a stipulation, you will never live with in-laws, you will live close to them if it is also close to your work but you will be the head of your own home. This is from the point of view of an Irish woman married to a Korean man while in Korea for 14 years. Most divorces here are caused by in-laws and unreasonable expectations of self-sacrifice from the woman's side.
Him suggesting ending a 10-year-old relationship over something as normal as you, his future wife, asking how bad it'd be for you physically and emotionally to travel 50 KM every day without a driver or a car at that, changing 3 different buses in the humid Indian climate is a terrible thing. You'd spend half your day just traveling and if your work starts at 9, you have to be up by 4 AM to make it all while also managing household tasks, what are you a robot. Good riddance I'd say. If it was actually a 3-month stint, he'd have not pushed for ending things. You'd either have to live your life as it is or worse, they'd ask you to quit and find a new job. Ask yourself if you think it's worth being with someone like him.
Very valid questions. I have fallen for this three months kind of promises before and have paid heavily with physical and mental health, monetary loss, as well as broken marriage, despite adjusting to everything. It is better that you have found this out before marriage than after it. A clear understanding is very important in these matters, knowing from experience, I would go as far as to get it in writing but then people will at me for asking for it. I have another question, if their own son doesn't live with them, why do you have to, you are marrying him, so do you mean to say, he will live away and meet you only on weekends like he meets his parents, who exactly are you marrying?
Did his parents not live by themselves before the proposed marriage, why the hell do you have to move in with them and make your life hell now, does he want a wife or a slave for his parents, he can surely keep a maid for the household chores, no, he should want to live together with you instead he's pushing you to live with his parents and make your life miserable, girl good riddance.