My (22F) husband (28M) and I got married six months ago in an arranged marriage. He's the brother of my childhood best friend, so I knew him long before and even had a little crush.
He started dating a girl when he was about 16‑17 and was deeply in love—taking her on dates, buying flowers, trips, even supporting her career. I know this because his sister, who's my friend, told me.
When he turned 25 they broke up because of religious differences. He fell into depression and is still on medication. Later he dated another girl from his office; that relationship was also passionate, with gifts and they even wrote diaries for each other (I found one in his cupboard). They broke up too because his parents didn't approve.
Finally, his parents liked me, so we got married in October. Since then he's become very religious—going to temple, fasting on Tuesdays, cutting down on meat and planning to become vegetarian. All his romantic side that I saw with his exes seems gone. He treats me nicely but more like a friend or roommate, almost the way he treats his little sister. When I ask if he's moved on, he says, "I don't know". What does that even mean? He also says he's not ready to love anyone right now. I love him deeply and want to be a good wife, but I'm lost.
Why did you agree to marry him in the first place?
Hey OP, I'm sorry you're feeling like this. You're in a really messy spot.
He hasn't moved on from his past relationships and seems emotionally unavailable.
No amount of effort from your side will fix him; only he can work on himself, maybe through therapy.
Did you notice these red flags during the courtship period? I'm not blaming you, just asking.
I was in a similar situation once; my crush hadn't moved on either and it was a terrible place to be.
You're just 22 and caught in a messy situation. Talk to him openly about how you feel, but remember you don't deserve to be treated like a roommate. It may hurt you in the long run. Consider couple's therapy if possible, though only God knows how to make someone love themselves.
It feels like an 'alpha‑fucks‑beta‑bucks' kind of scenario. It's sad, but hope things change. You're still young; if it doesn't work out, divorce is an option and you'll find someone who loves you equally.
It's quite common. If there hadn't been an arranged‑marriage setup, he might still be single.
Some people don't grieve enough after a breakup and try to move on quickly, thinking it's just biology. That's not how emotions work.
I know I'll get backlash for saying this, but it is what it is.
The past matters a lot, especially in Indian society. Many relationships break because of religious or family pressure, and people often still hold feelings for each other. Then they end up marrying innocent partners, which can ruin lives.
Since you're already married, give him some time. He's probably trying to sort out his own issues, and you can't fix them for him. Just be a supportive roommate until he's ready to make a move.
The fact that he says, "I don't know" and "I'm not ready to love someone right now" is actually very important. It's not about any flaw of yours; it's about his current mental and emotional state.
The next step isn't to try harder to win his love, but to have an honest, calm conversation about what this marriage means for both of you.
Ask him clearly what he wants for the future and whether he's ready to work on the relationship emotionally.
I was in a similar spot a few weeks ago. I realized during the courtship phase that he was trying to improve himself, but he had too many unresolved mental issues and wasn't ready for an emotional relationship. He never showed genuine affection; the few gestures he made felt forced. He seemed to be in it mainly for his parents and society. At times, I felt he treated me down to boost his own ego, maybe unintentionally, taking out his past frustrations on me. He later apologized, but I still believe he wasn't ready.
Did you ever have a relationship before this marriage?